Tuesday, 24 March 2015

Chapter 80: What Women Want.

Hi All,

So I'm sure a lot of you have seen the film What Women Want (2000), starring Mel Gibson. I'm going to discuss what we do REALLY want. I think this is where my strong point lies with writing these blogs. I can be quite opinionated and strong headed. I like to think they are positives and when I have been brutally honest in the past I have had very positive reviews from you. So now I'm going to be brutally honest (again) and tell you what women really want. Men, if you think you're going to get the inside gossip and get one step ahead of the game, think again:

  1. We want to be able to paint our nails and be able to touch things STRAIGHT away after. So if I want to have a drink or shove a slice of pizza in my face, I want to do it without getting nails like this: 
  2. I would like to be able to straighten my hair and not arrive at my chosen destination with a massive kink on ONE side of my head. 
  3. I would also like to curl my hair and not arrive at my chosen destination with a massive straight bit on ONE side of my head.
  4. I want to be able to walk in my heels and not look like I need a wheelchair or that I have wet my pants by the end of the night.
  5. I would love to be able to watch my trash TV without people thinking I am not intellectual because of it - I still have a degree and a good job. I just so happen to enjoy watching rubbish TV.
  6. We want to be able to eat anything we want without putting on weight - I know this is a big ask but, please?
  7. We want to be able to walk out of the house with no make up on and NOT  bump into someone we either went to school with or used to go out with... "No I'm not under the weather, I'm just... Yeah. I'm under the weather." I'm like, 98% certain that Charlize Theron actually looks like how she looked in Monster (2003) with no make up on. 
  8. I would like to be able to stick my tummy out and relax in public.
  9. I would like the pube that grows out of my chin to... fuck off.
  10. I would like to not have to use fake tan but unfortunately I look like this without it:
  11. Don't you hate it when you go on holiday and sunbathe every day only to return back to reality and hear, "Oh, you haven't got much colour have you?" Okay firstly, I'm ginger and secondly, I'm ginger. Oh, just me then?
  12. We want camel toe to disappear.
  13. We want Chanel and Mac to be as cheap as Rimmel. No wait, Collection 2000. Yeah that shit is dirt cheap.
  14. We want to be able to pay rent and have a social life and do work and conquer the world. ALL in one go.
  15. Men, one thing I will say on behalf of women... In fact no, this picture says it better:
  16. Would like to be able to walk around in a bikini without feeling self conscious about how we look like casper, have cellulite, have a spare tyre, the list goes on...
  17. Would like to be able to have a white bra that doesn't go grey in the wash... even when we put it in a white wash.
  18. We would like our other halves to not look more maintained than us or be feminine in any way. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for long hair... But cracking out a bobble and putting your hair in a bun or getting your eyebrows waxed... Piss off mate.
  19. We would like to be able to get ready for a big night out in 20 minutes max.
  20. We want a man with a beard. Again, just me? 
Brad Pitt in, Legends of the Fall (1994). One word: Ooft.

Toodle pip!

Tuesday, 17 March 2015

Chapter 79: Aye, So It Was...

Happy St. Patrick’s Day people! In celebration I am going to write a wee guide for you all about Ireland – places to visit, drinks to drink and what makes someone... Irish. In more recent years I have known a few people to be quite jealous of the Irish... Or at least that is how I see it. I overheard someone today saying, “what’s the big deal with St. Patrick’s Day anyway?” Clearly, they’ve never been to Ireland OR been to the St. Paddy’s Day Parade in Birmingham. So, here are a few things you must experience in order to really appreciate Ireland and just why we are so proud to celebrate it (even if you’re a Plastic Paddy).

My whole family are from Northern Ireland so I’m going to start this off by boasting about all the great sights that made my childhood and made me proud to say I’m Irish.
1.      Belfast. Every time I hear someone say “I want to go to Ireland”, their first port of call is Dublin. Dublin is great don’t get me wrong, but it’s a bit of a faff if you just want to go for the weekend. You have to change your pounds to Euros and it is known to be quite expensive. Make your first destination Belfast – it’s still a part of the UK and only a 45 minute plane journey away. It has a fantastic nightlife and there are plenty of tourist attractions to visit, including the Titanic Museum and Belfast Zoo.

2.      The Giants Causeway. A very historic mark in Ireland with a great story behind it. Here's how it goes:
“The Causeway story tells us that Finn lived happily on the Antrim coast with his wife Oonagh until he discovered he had a rival in Scotland known as Benandonner.   Finn was frequently taunted by Benandonner from afar and on one occasion Finn scooped up a clod of earth and hurled it across the sea at him but missed.  The huge clod of earth landed in the middle of the Irish Sea making the Isle of Man and the depression formed from scooping up the earth filled up with water to become Lough Neagh.
Finn finally challenged Benandonner to a proper fight and decided to build a causeway of enormous stepping stones across the sea to Scotland, so that he could walk across without getting his feet wet. But as he approached and caught sight of the great bulk of Benandonner, Finn became afraid and fled back home, with Benandonner hot on his trail. In his haste as he ran, Finn lost one of his great boots and today it can be seen sitting on the foreshore in Port Noffer where it fell to the ground.
The story takes a humorous twist when Finn asks his wife Oonagh to help him hide. Clever Oonagh disguised Finn as a baby and pushed him into a huge cradle, so when Benandonner saw the size of the sleeping ‘child’, he assumed the father must be GIGANTIC. Benandonner fled home in terror, ripping up the Causeway as he went in case he was followed.
The story concludes that this is the reason that the Giant’s Causeway exists in north Antrim, with similar columns at Fingal’s Cave on the Scottish island of Staffa.” - http://www.causewaycoastandglens.com/Folklore-and-Legend.T1153.aspx

If you haven’t seen the Giant’s Causeway before, where have you been?

3.       Portrush. My family and I went on a holiday here when I was about 14 and it was brilliant. We stayed right on the beach and anyone would have thought we were abroad with the weather we had. There’s also the classic Barry’s Amusements which is sure to keep you occupied if you ever have a rainy day there.
4.       Dublin – yes I’ve finally got on to Dublin! I went there when I was 14 with my friend and her family and I re-visited there 2 years ago for the weekend. Everyone warned me about how expensive it would be but going there wasn’t too bad. If you can bear taking a dutty Ryanair flight and booking a cheap ass hotel then you’re flyin’! Taxi prices were extortionate but when we arrived we noticed a “Dublin Pass” you could purchase at the airport. This entitled you to a lot of things, including free entry to places like The Guinness and Jameson’s Factory with a complimentary drink at the end, free entry to the wax work museum and many, many more http://www.dublinpass.com/. As I only went for the weekend I couldn’t fit much else in. But if you have to go ANYWHERE in Dublin, then The Temple Bar is one of them.

5.       I know I’ve just said the above but you have to visit The Guinness Storehouse and the Jameson’s Distillery – both give you a great history of each and how they are made. Followed by a wee tipple after and even tips on how to drink them (sounds silly I know, but it really is great)! My favourite drink in the world is a Jameson’s and Ginger Ale with ice and a slice of lime – if you haven’t tried it, do!

Here’s a few things that make you realise just how Irish you are:

The last two are definitely me and my Mammy. Another couple of things include putting “so” at the end of a sentence or “aye, so it is/was.” Oh and Penny's! Just as good as Primark! Which by the way, we pronounce "Pree-mark." Just to add to that argument before you go off on one... how do you pronounce, prick? I rest my case.

Anyways I’ll leave you with this little gem:

My Dad used to work in a Dance Hall where Van Morrison & Thin Lizzy would perform most Friday's. He also grew up with Liam Neeson... More great people to come out of Northern Ireland ;).

Bye, bye, bye, bu-bye, bye, bu-bye, bye.........

P.S. If you diss me for being Irish ever..........


Tuesday, 10 March 2015

Chapter 78: To Make You Feel Better.

Hello you beautiful people! Hope you have all had a fabulous week! I have had quite an interesting week myself... from getting lectured by a Police Officer to being told to read a certain book for the third time by a different person... Let me explain... I was checking my phone the other day next to a Police Officer when all of a sudden:

Police Officer: How many hours a day are you on that phone?
Me: (Giggles).
Police Officer: (Looking stern).
Me: Erm, I'm not sure
Police Officer: That in itself is a silly response... How many hours?
(Meanwhile two other Police Officers are behind, staring).
Me: I don't know, maybe 3 hours?
Police Officer: And what are you going to tell your grandchildren what you did with your life?
Me: Used my phone?
Police Officer: (Walks past me) See ya later, mate.

After which all I could think was, "Did that really just happen?" Later I discovered it was a news story about the consumption of phones on a daily basis. Luckily a news reporter admitted to using hers 4 hours in the day so I felt a bit better for that... But also, why didn't I come up with a better response? I could have said I was checking work emails? Or I could have asked whether it was illegal to use phones now? But I didn't want to be cheeky... I'm a law abiding citizen! Not the Gerard Butler kind, but you get my drift. Hindsight's a funny thing... Shoulda, woulda, coulda and all that jazz! It left me feeling a bit deflated nonetheless. Like I don't already think about my future enough as it is, but now I have a stranger asking me what I'm going to tell my grandchildren what I did with my life when I grow up?! In my mind... My grandchildren will probably think I was dull using my phone because they will be travelling on hoverboards to get to the corner shop.

Then... I met someone on Saturday night. All very random, and I sound so cheesy for even saying this, but I truly believe I was meant to bump into this person. It was like I had known them for a while and I had a great conversation with them. I won't go into the content of it, but all and all, they made me feel so much better!

Today's blog is going to be short and sweet and hopefully quite useful... I'm going to be discussing a few things you can do to lift your mood and just generally, make you feel better in yourself! So, here goes:

  1. Take vitamins. I have started taking "Wellwoman" vitamins since last week as I was still feeling fatigued from the glandular fever and I have already noticed a difference. I can get up easier, I'm less tired than I was and I just feel, well, good!
  2. Sing - doesn't matter how rubbish you are, sometimes that makes you smile more!
  3. Exercise. I have got back into running (finally) and feel so much better for it. Try to do some exercise at least 3 times a week and you will notice a difference yourself.
  4. Watch something feel good! I started New Girl last week and I swear Zoe Deschanel's attitude on life is contagious!
  5. Have some family time. Surround yourself with the people you love the most!
  6. Do something you enjoy! I have enquired about getting back into something I love and I'm quite excited for it!
  7. Make plans - always have something to look forward to!
  8. Write - if you're not a vocal person it's good to get all of them feelings and pent up emotions down on to paper. It could be a journal or even a great creation; a short story, a script... you never know what could come of it. I often think of things I think would be cool on screen and write them down. You'll be surprised at how good a accomplished you feel after.
  9. Read. If you don't want to escape via Netflix... escape in a book. Get lost in it and look forward to reading the next chapter.
  10. Download Dubsmash and laugh your ass off. They say laughter is the best medicine... When I first got it, my sister's and I were a bit addicted and sent each other loads! So just for you guys... Here's my own compilation for you to laugh at. Key word being "AT".

Hope you all enjoyed that ;). What makes you feel better? Let me know on the back of here, contact me on Facebook or tweet me @triciabaxter.

For now, I'll leave you with this TUNE:

Have a great week guys!
Big love.
T. x

Tuesday, 3 March 2015

Chapter 77: That Fall And That Feckin' Dress...

Allo all.

Welcome to my first blog of "27 And... What The Hell Am I Doing?" I had another un-Birthday this year as I'm born on the 29th February. Only another year to wait until I'm 7 though! Haha! I had a lovely time with my family and friends, but I think it is safe to say, I'm getting too old to go out these days - it literally exhausts me. Spending about an hour and a half getting ready and looking half decent, going out and getting drunk because that is the only way you will ever see me dance and then having to go through the hangover the next day which for some reason actually lasts two days now. It really isn't worth it half the time. I can't lie, I'd much rather stay in with my boyfriend these days. Did I not tell you I have a new fella now? Yeah his name is Netflix; we are really good for each other. He cheers me up when I'm down and he never talks back. I really see a future together...

... Anyways. Let's talk about interesting topics of last week. First and foremost:

Madge's Fall
God bless her... I was flicking through the Brit Awards last Wednesday on and off but managed to catch performances from George Ezra (who is my favourite artist at the moment) and Paloma Faith. They were both absolutely fantastic! I didn't manage to catch Ed Sheeran taking one for the gingers, but I heard his acceptance speech for Best Album and he was so humble and grateful. But (unashamedly) I changed channels to catch up on my usual junk TV, TOWIE. I had a phone call from my sister:
Esther: Trish, have you just seen  Madonna???
Me: No, why?
Esther: Trish... YouTube it... She just had a MASSIVE fall.
Me: Has it just happened?
Esther: Yes.
Me: Then it won't be on YouTube yet... Give me 10 minutes and I'll call you back...

I seen this:

Bad init? It was more shocking than anything at first and you can see where it went wrong... Madge, you should have worn a cape with velcro you pleb! Not a fecking tie! Wardrobe malfunction or wha?! I then seen this video the next day:

Sorry Madge, but this is funny! I'm sure you've even laughed at it! Point is, she actually just got back up after and acted like nothing had happened. FAIR PLAY, WOMAN! I don't think I could be so brave as to do that in front of an audience AND live television... basically the whole world! But then again, Carrie Bradshaw did it on the runway...

What is the lesson here? You fall, you get back up. You can't just stay on the bloody ground, right? What good can possibly come from that? Let's look at it like this... If Madonna stayed on the ground, would everything still carry on? Yes.So you must carry on with it. The world doesn't stop because you have fallen at a hurdle. Fuck the hurdle and hold your head high - that will shock people more than the fall you took.

And lastly:

The Dress

I seen this to begin with:

White and gold right? Then I saw this:

To which people said this is black and blue... I can see blue... and I can see khaki green. For those of you who don't know what khaki green looks like, it's this:

Oh and yeah...

The dress is black and blue... and I don't give a flying bird turd.

I'll leave you with this wee tune to set up the rest of your week. 'Cause you know, it's all right!

Toodle pip.